An ancient Egyptian saying goes: “Conflict when resolved, leads to stronger friendship”. These words of wisdom hint we may experience conflict with people, only to discover that we have more in common with them than we realized. A conflict resolved, can show us new possibilities to get along with those we thought we could not bear.
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, whether it happens at work, home, or in social situations. How we resolve our conflicts can be the difference between broken relationships and stronger bonds.
Drawing on models of conflict resolution like the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and the Harvard Negotiation Project, I’ve come up with a practical five-step approach that I share with my students and clients. Not only does this approach effectively calm tensions, but it also aims for longer lasting peace. The key is the equal focus on resolving the issue in the short term and strengthening relationships after the conflict, in the long term.
Phase 1: De-escalate
Resolving a conflict sometimes fails because we jump in, trying to identify who’s right and who’s wrong, while emotions are still running high. Worst still, we jump into fix-it-mode, trying to find a solution while parties are angry, upset or frustrated.
In heated moments, emotions override rational thinking, making productive conversations impossible. That’s why your first milestone, before anything else, is de-escalation.
Achieve Calm Before Proceeding Further.
Acknowledge the emotions involved and let people know that they’ll get a chance to share their side of the story, but when we all calm down and take a step back.
Consider taking a break, encouraging the conflicting parties to disengage and regroup after a while. A break can just mean a momentary change in subject, location, or even rescheduling the discussion to another time.. Sometimes, just a few minutes can do the trick.
You can achieve this with an informal: “Let’s step outside for some fresh air“. Sometimes, for conflicts where emotions are running really high, stepping away and setting a time to return to the issue can be the most productive step toward resolution.
Changing the social dynamic may also help. Including someone respected by all parties in the conversation, or stepping into a private space away from prying eyes, can all help de-escalate.
The important thing to remember, is de-escalation will make everything easier moving forward and rushing in without de-escalation will make conflict resolution much harder.
Phase 2: Investigate
Once emotions are (somewhat) in check, the next step is to investigate the conflict’s root cause.
Often, what people are arguing about on the surface isn’t the true source of the disagreement.
Dig deeper to understand the underlying interests or concerns that may be fueling the conflict.
Asking open-ended questions like “What do you feel led to this?” or “What do you think is the core issue here?” will help uncover hidden frustrations. You can encourage empathy by asking questions like “What do you think the other party is concerned about or frustrated by?“
Here is a pro tip, take all the time you need at this stage.
As a mediator of a conflict, this is when you step back and let different parties take the stage. Listen., ask questions and take note. Don’t rush., don’t feel you have to jump into decisions.
It’s really important that people feel heard and understood at this stage. Consider those who might be directly affected or indirectly contributing to the conflict and make sure they get heard too.
Sometimes, conflicts are multi-layered, and there’s more than one factor at play. Understanding these layers is crucial to coming up with a comprehensive solution.
In short, really take your time to investigate.
By investigating people’s true interests and motivations, rather than their stated demands, you can begin to uncover possible areas of common ground. You can identify solutions that meet the actual needs of all parties involved, rather than just duct-taping at the surface-level.
Phase 3: Facilitate
With a clear understanding of the conflict’s root causes and the different parties’ actual needs, you can move to phase three and begin to facilitate solutions. As a facilitator, your role isn’t to provide the answers, but to guide parties in finding ideas that work for them.
Questions like “What, in your point of view, is the ideal outcome to resolve this conflict?” or “How can we proceed from here?” or even “How do you think we can move forward?”. These kind of questions can help move us away from dwelling on the past to envisioning the future.
Encourage people to explore options beyond their immediate and obvious ideas. Remind them of the other party’s limitations and restrictions. Advocate for a fair and balanced approach. Encourage flexibility and ensure that both parties feel ownership of the solution. A collaborative approach to solution-finding is crucial here.
Be aware that tempers may flare up again, especially when you’re encouraging people to think beyond their own immediate benefit. Manage emotions by reframing negative language. For instance, if someone says, “Why should I be the one to compromise?”, reframe it as, “We all want to find a middle ground, right?”
Remember, this phase is about building consensus, not forcing a compromise. that leaves one party dissatisfied.
Phase 4: Validate
Now that you have several possible solutions, it’s important to validate different parties’ commitment and acceptance of them.
The key is to ensure what’s proposed is acceptable to the different parties of the conflict, not necessarily to you or a single side. We don’t want to pick a preferred solution, only to see it fail and have to start the process from square one.
Ask questions like “Do you feel this addresses your main concerns?” or “Can we agree this is fair and reasonable to both of you?”
By validating the feasibility of the solution, you increase each party’s commitment to any agreement reached. You also prevent future conflicts from arising out of unmet expectations. Everyone needs to walk away with a clear understanding of their responsibilities. Make sure you follow-up to ensure that the resolution is being implemented.
Phase 5: Celebrate
Finally, it’s time to celebrate the resolution! This is a phase that ‘s unique to this conflict resolution model.
You see, you don’t want to put in time, effort and emotional capital into resolving a conflict, only to have to do it all over again.
So it’s important to anchor the effort and collaborative spirit.
“See, we sorted it out, and both of you reached agreement. Let’s celebrate!” you might say. If this sounds corny or too cringe for you, feel free to replace with your own words.
The message here is: “there is no reason why this level-headed discussion can’t happen the next time a similar conflict arises”. By celebrating the resolution of the conflict, you are not only dealing with the current situation, you are also setting expectations for the future.
This is also crucial for reinforcing positive relationships and moving forward on good terms. A simple statement like “I’m glad we found a solution that works for all of us” or “Thank you all for working together to find a solution to this situation.” can help close the loop on the conflict, giving everyone a sense of accomplishment.
Whether the celebration is a few simple words of acknowledgement, an office party or an evening gala with a list of formally invited guests, an end of a conflict should always be celebrated.
It reinforces the collaborative approach, making it easier to address future conflicts constructively.
Conflict Resolution in the Real World
A final word of caution: life can be messy and real world conflict resolution may not go from phase one to five in a straight line. Sometimes you might need to do a little jumping back and forth, as you discover small details or some feelings were not fully disclosed in a previous phase. Don’t let that frustrate you. it’s just the nature of the beast.
Still, conflict, when handled well, can lead to stronger relationships, more creative solutions, and a better understanding of those around us. By following this five-phase approach—De-escalate, Investigate, Facilitate, Validate, and Celebrate—you can navigate difficult conflicts with clarity.
More importantly, this model could help you nurture a culture of goodwill. Some will even discover that the Egyptians were right. Conflict when resolved, can leads to stronger friendships.
