The Problem With Trying to Be a Better Version of Yourself

The problem with trying to be a better version of ourselves is that many times we start with a lack of clarity about who we really are to begin with.

Many of us spend years trying to get away from that character — that person who looked back at us in the mirror in our teens.

We literally spend countless hours, and tons of money over a lifetime, trying to change that person, into what we think is a better, cooler, slimmer, taller, more sophisticated, more educated, more confident person.

But some years later, we might realize we’re actually going back full circle.

I bet you can think of something you used to resent about yourself, your character or personality that you’ve now grown to understand, accept, or perhaps even appreciate.

A Clear Example:

A lot of younger introverts wish they were more extroverted. So they go on to chase all sorts of self-improvement gadgets

• More confidence.
• Better social skills.
• How to be more outgoing.
• How to meet people.
• How to make friends.

Perhaps even getting caught in that online grey market of “how to speak to women with confidence.”

Only to realise, after years of maturity and experience, that maybe clubs and party scenes or meeting new people every single week were never really their thing.

That doesn’t mean learning better social skills was a waste of time. It means that perhaps the problem they were trying to solve wasn’t actually a problem.

Developing Ourselves Vs. Escaping Ourselves.

Get to know who you actually are, a little better!

And preferably in a more impartial, unbiased and systematic manner.

Then, you can make a better decision about what actually needs to change.

Like many people who drive cars, I have a limited understanding of what actually happens under the hood. Imagine me hearing a funny sound coming from the engine and deciding:

“I know how to fix that. This car needs a new coat of paint.”

The new paint might be beautiful.

The car might look better.

But I’ve likely solved the wrong problem. Or even something that was never a problem.

And I think we sometimes do exactly that.

We improve things because somebody told us they were important.

Because people around us seem to have them.

Because advertising discovered an insecurity and helpfully offered us something to buy for it.

Or simply because we’re still carrying around an outdated idea of who we’re supposed to become.

Meanwhile, the thing we’ve spent years trying to eliminate may simply be part of our nature, and something else — something we’ve barely noticed — may be where the real opportunity for growth lies.

Understanding ourselves is what makes intelligent change possible.

And as we grow, our understanding of ourselves can change.

The person you thought you were at 17 isn’t necessarily the person you understand yourself to be at 30, 40 or 50.

That’s a good thing.

And every once in a while, it’s worth checking whether that understanding is actually reasonable and unbiased.

Because getting that understanding wrong can cost us more than wasted effort.

It can feed the disabling habit of self-criticism and continuous critical self-talk.

That sense of overwhelm that comes from feeling that no matter how much we do, no matter how much we improve, we’re rarely satisfied with ourselves.

Because we’re permanently trying to fix a person we haven’t taken enough time to understand.

Working towards becoming a better version of yourself is a beautiful thing.

Understanding yourself is the first step towards realistically and honestly doing that.